I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
