I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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