you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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