Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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