I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
