hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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