she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
