I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
