Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
