Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Do vagina's smell?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
