drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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