i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
