drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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