I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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