Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
