I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
