come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
