If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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