Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
