Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
