lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
