Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
