the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
