So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
