I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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