I am midnight drunk by noon
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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