You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
