Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
