wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
