did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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