You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
