so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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