he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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