Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
