She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
