dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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