the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
