Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
