Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
her facebook's as public as her vagina
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
