Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I still have a little drunk in my system
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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