I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
