I haven't been this sober since birth.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
