I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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