Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
