between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
