On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
