why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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