I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I cannot find my penis.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So many bounce houses so little time
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
