I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
