it hurts more in the daytime
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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